So refine me Lord through the flames

Well I think I have been a failure at keeping this blog up as it has been over 2 months since my last post, but I have just been so busy this semester.  I cannot believe that it is already April and my freshman year is drawing to a close.  This post might be a little random because I am going to cover the past like 2 months, so bear with me. This semester has been amazing for so many reasons.  The one that is possibly the most exciting is that I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a Program Coordinator at Carolina Cross Connection this summer.  To say that I am excited for this summer would be such an understatement.  I love CCC so much and cannot wait to do some amazing Kingdom building this summer as I put my faith into action and spread the love of Christ to people! 

 Another thing that has made this semester so spectacular is that I have been learning a lot and growing in my relationship with Jesus.  And while it has been super frustrating at times I know that the end result will be so beautiful.  Sometimes God has to break us down so he can rebuild us and make us new in a way that is more glorifying to Him.  Since I got up to Boone I have been going to the Crossroads at Boone UMC and it has been such a blessing to me.  We recently finished an 11 week series in the book of Ephesians, have since started a series in surrender, and God has been teaching me so much.  The gift of reflection over our journeys is so beautiful because who we are is not who we used to be and it is not who we will become.  We are all invited into a continually transforming and growing relationship with Jesus.  And as our theology deepens our worship heightens.  In other words, our worship reflects our understanding of Jesus and who He is to us.  What is even more beautiful is that this transformation is not of our own action; we are transformed by a relentless God who pursues us with His love.

So why, if this love is so amazing, is it so hard for me to submit to this love?  I have learned that a big reason is because of pride.  It is scary to submit yourself to others because you lose your ability to protect yourself - naturally we are afraid of being hurt.  But to glorify God, we must submit ourselves to Him, let go of our pride and find our ultimate satisfaction in Him.  Pride can be such an idol in our lives and I have realized its presence in my own.  In church a couple of weeks ago there was a quote by Brennan Manning that said, "we unwittingly project onto God our own attitudes and feelings toward ourselves... But we cannot assume that He feels about us the way we feel about ourselves -- unless we love ourselves compassionately, intensely, and freely.”  I know that I do not love myself compassionately, intensely, or freely on a day to day basis.  I struggle with comparative thoughts and body image, continually striving to fulfill a self-created, unrealistic ideal.  The beauty of this is that my relationship with God cannot be based off of how I feel; it is based off His truth regardless of how I feel.

When we come to have a deeper understanding of God, we are able to mature in our relationship with Him.  We were created to “Glorify God and enjoy Him always.”  Our lives purpose is to glorify God because as my favorite Sunday school teacher always said, “Each of us says who God is to us by how we live our lives.”  To me, this means that in all I do I should strive to bring glory to God; our mission field encompasses every aspect of our lives.  I am continually striving to have relationships that mirror Christ’s relationship with the church.

Another thing I am learning is how extremely impatient we are.  By nature, we seek immediacy in our lives. Daily we are tempted by the things of this world; tempted to trade the hope of eternity for the draw of immediacy.  We all have appetites for things which in and of themselves are not bad, but they have the capacity to control us if we do not control them.  And this is because we can never be fully and finally satisfied by anything or anyone other than Jesus; although, every day we are tempted to believe that we can.  So we pursue our appetites and the things of this world, continually lusting for more.  Along with this whole impatience thing is that we love shortcuts…I know I do.  Just a few weeks ago the sermon in church was about shortcuts.  We defined shortcuts as “a means of saving time and effort though often sacrificing thoroughness.”  I am so inclined to seek the path of least resistance on a day to day basis.  I find myself drawn to comfort and familiarity, avoiding conflict and change.

A couple of nights ago with a group of people from CRUsade we all worked on writing cardboard testimonies for an outreach event did for App’s earth day celebration.  The whole idea of the cardboard testimonies is so cool because it is so representative of how God’s love has transformed each of us in so many different ways.  Everyone has a powerful story of how God has moved in their lives.  My cardboard testimony ended up reading, “I used to feel like I had to perform and be perfect to earn the acceptance of others….Until I learned that the beauty of brokenness is that God heals us and makes us new.”

Well, that has been my life over the past couple of months, or at least my best attempt at summing it up.  Sorry this post was so disjointed and rambling, but congrats if you were able to make it to the end.  I guess I will close with a passage from Psalms that has been on my heart lately.  “For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver… we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance.” (Psalm 66:10-12)  I feel like this semester has been a lot of spiritual growth and refinement, and while it has been frustrating and difficult at times, God always brings us to a place of abundance.