Hungering and Thirsting
It is so great to be back in Boone! The semester is just getting started and even though it is going to be a busy one I can already tell that it is going to be amazing. I am taking a lot of general education classes because I am changing my major - to what I am not completely sure yet - but it will be exciting to see what God has in store for me through this change. I do know that I want to minor in religious studies so I am taking a New Testament class as well as Christianity. I have already learned so much from my professors and gained a new perspective on reading the Bible. It is still weird to me that reading my Bible is now homework but it has been an opportunity to build my relationship with God and really dig into the word. It has also opened my eyes to how important it is for me to be grounded in God's truth instead of relying on what I hear from other people or read in other books. I find that I have a new desire to be intentional about being in the Word which is both new and exciting!
I was spending times with some friends this past weekend and we were just talking about life and where our hearts were. And, since CCC had ended and I had come back to school I had fallen into this kind of funk. Kind of hard to explain but it was just one of those moods you get into where you are just kind of in a rut. So much of what I experienced this summer and the love that I felt was rooted in community and fellowship, and in a way I think that I became reliant on that. I sought my salvation in people and relationships I had as opposed to nurturing my relationship with Jesus and seeking life solely in Him. A lot of things changed in my heart this summer and I didn't really know how to react to all of the newness, so I fell back into this shell and avoided really searching my heart. I filled my days with busyness and activities even though my heart didn't match what I was projecting to people. That has been such a pattern in my life, putting on this act like I have my life all put together; I try to be where I want to be instead of being where I am. Normally I keep this quasi-managed and just move on but something about this funk that I was in was different. I wasn't just aware of how I was living apart from Jesus, I was frustrated by it; something in me was longing for and demanding that things in my life change. I was hungry for a relationship with Jesus that was more than just believing writings of the Bible and trying to figure out how to fix my life enough so it seemed presentable to the people around me. I saw that it is easy to convince people that you are a religious person who is doing the "Christian" thing. But at the same time I was awakened to the fact that if nothing in your heart has changed then it is pointless to waste your energy trying to be something or someone that you aren't.
I was spending times with some friends this past weekend and we were just talking about life and where our hearts were. And, since CCC had ended and I had come back to school I had fallen into this kind of funk. Kind of hard to explain but it was just one of those moods you get into where you are just kind of in a rut. So much of what I experienced this summer and the love that I felt was rooted in community and fellowship, and in a way I think that I became reliant on that. I sought my salvation in people and relationships I had as opposed to nurturing my relationship with Jesus and seeking life solely in Him. A lot of things changed in my heart this summer and I didn't really know how to react to all of the newness, so I fell back into this shell and avoided really searching my heart. I filled my days with busyness and activities even though my heart didn't match what I was projecting to people. That has been such a pattern in my life, putting on this act like I have my life all put together; I try to be where I want to be instead of being where I am. Normally I keep this quasi-managed and just move on but something about this funk that I was in was different. I wasn't just aware of how I was living apart from Jesus, I was frustrated by it; something in me was longing for and demanding that things in my life change. I was hungry for a relationship with Jesus that was more than just believing writings of the Bible and trying to figure out how to fix my life enough so it seemed presentable to the people around me. I saw that it is easy to convince people that you are a religious person who is doing the "Christian" thing. But at the same time I was awakened to the fact that if nothing in your heart has changed then it is pointless to waste your energy trying to be something or someone that you aren't.
"You are masters at making yourselves look good in front of others, but God knows what's behind the appearance." Luke 16:15I was hungering and thirsting for a relationship with Jesus that was bigger than that, bigger than trying to make myself look good in front of others. I needed to open my heart to His grace and let Him come for me. I couldn't waste anymore of my energy trying to be perfect or right; I needed to embrace God's sacrificial love and let Him cover my imperfections. The action of surrender and submission has always been hard for me and in my life I have tried to steer clear of ever actually letting go of my desire to be in control and laying myself at Jesus' feet in complete surrender. But in that moment, sitting there talking to my friends I realized that the only thing that could fulfill this hunger I felt was to completely submit to Christ and commit my heart and my life to Him, holding nothing back this time. This commitment wasn't one saying that I was going to have my life all figured out, it was saying the exact opposite, I am fallible and I fall short daily but Jesus died on a cross so that I might have life to the full. He died so that I might lay my sins and shortcomings at the foot of the cross and allow His love and grace to heal me and renew my soul. That is what my heart had been seeking and I finally found it, I finally felt in my heart what I had "known" for so long. And with surrendering my heart and my life and heart to Christ and committing it to Him I finally felt freed from the desire to perform, I finally felt the assurance of finding my salvation solely in Jesus. And oh how glorious it is to be filled with the holy assurance of Jesus!
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matthew 5:6
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