Uncensored

My mind has been a little all over the place lately, but for once I think it has actually been a good thing.  I have been reflecting and journaling a lot which has been helping me process through my thoughts and what God is doing in my life in this season.  If you couldn't guess, I love to write, because I have always felt like I could express my thoughts better in writing than I could with verbal communication.  I can write pages and pages of my deepest and most vulnerable thoughts, and on rare occasions, when I am feeling particularly brave, I invite people in to share them with me.

As an introvert, being reflective and rather introspective come naturally to me, but they do little to challenge me out of my comfort zone.  I write because my words are private and I know they will not be misinterpreted, misunderstood, or questioned.  I have no pressure to say certain things or avoid saying others just because I am worried about how they might be received.  I can be completely, sometimes painfully, honest because I know that I am writing to my Creator, the One who knows my heart even better than I do. Why even bother trying to hide beyond walls or put up facades to mask or beautify my reality?

This kind of vulnerability and dependency makes so much sense to me when I am talking to God - it feels safe and appropriate.  So why does that same transparency fall apart when it comes to pretty much any other relationship I have?  It feels uncomfortable and almost unnatural for me to really bear my heart to others, even my closest friends and family.  

This isn't to say that I completely shut myself off to any communication with people, I just start to question my thoughts.  A lot of times I feel a need to filter and almost censor my thoughts before I am ready to share them with people.  Even though my thoughts are genuine and valid, I plan, edit, and evaluate them trying to figure out if they are what people "want" or "expect" to hear from me.  Sometimes I filter out the particularly messy or unfinished parts in an attempt to sound eloquent or to try and "please" others.  Our words harness tremendous power to help, to harm, to mend, to heal, to wreck, to uplift, to empower, to restore, and to do so many other things.  And sometimes I find myself apprehensive of the responsibility that that carries - I believe that I am called to respect the power of my words and the weight they can carry.  

With that being said, I am trying to learn how to share my life and my words with the same vulnerability and simple honesty that I have in writing.  I don't want to limit God's desire to speak in and through me, by spending so much time trying to figure out what others "want" to hear.  I cannot always control how it will be received, but I want to offer the sweet song of my heart with no censor or filter.  I want my words, thoughts, and actions to be an outpouring of God at work within me - healing me, restoring me, and inviting me to live into His mercies which are new each day.