You Belong

"A great deal of what spawns authentic living are the things we don't have power over.  They are things that God, or life in general, sets in motion." (mY generation by Josh James Riebock)

I had my first Sunday off of work this month today and it provided some much needed time to rest and get recharged.  Since the end of June I have been taking physics II at UNC-CH and it proved to be more challenging than I had anticipated.  I am happy to say that as of this past Friday, I am finished with physics forever and regardless of what my grade ends up being, I know I tried my hardest throughout the class.  Between class and work I have stayed really busy and neglected to really take any time to intentionally invest in my relationship with God.  I have still been going through the basic motions of my faith, going to church and what not, but my soul has been in desperate need of some time with the Lord.

Praise God for a day off work and an opportunity to search my heart and press into what God has been and is continuing to do in me lately.  The quote above is from a book I started to re-read today and it reminds me of the mysterious ways things fall into place.  Maybe due to the stress of my final exam, or a busy week at work, or one too many late nights followed by an even earlier morning, but over the past week especially, I have been wrestling with some issues that seem to be thematic in my walk of faith.  A harmless comment, likely taken somewhat out of context, left me feeling upset and re-hashed a lot of still fresh, unhealed wounds.  I have a soft, quiet spirit and have often been told that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves.  And while this is a blessing, sometimes it means that I take things people say to heart a little too much.  (I know this is somewhat vague and pretty elusive, but I don't think the specifics are all that important)

The mind is such a powerful thing and I can get trapped inside my head with a recurring cycle of racing thoughts.  This brings me back to the quote at the beginning of my post.  I suck at authenticity, really I do.  It isn't that I am not capable of it, but man I will avoid it like the plague.  I hate inviting people in to the places where my doubts lie because I am scared of the tough questions and even more afraid of how others will feel about them.  Because of this, I often just mull over my thoughts until the off-chance that someone approaches me or asks me a pointed question that I can't evasively avoid answering.  I think one of the biggest ways God has drawn me back to Him is by setting in motion interactions, conversations, and relationships that will force me into a place of honesty and vulnerability.  These instances are a chance for redemption and a place to find healing.  

By a chain of events that I can only attribute to the grace of God, I ended up at the Tobacco Trail Church this Sunday afternoon at a bench in Duke Park. (http://tobaccotrailchurch.com/)  One of my co-workers, Monk (George) is the pastor at this church that is like nothing I have ever experienced before.  The simple set-up reminded me of all the things I let get in the way of simply worshiping.  We gathered around a bench and blanket, shared in the Eucharist at the Lord's table, and heard a sermon on the parable of the prodigal son.  Though I have heard that particular parable numerous times, I saw it in a new light this time around.

Whenever I have read or heard the story in the past, I have considered how I am like the youngest son.  God is my Father and has blessed me with a beautiful inheritance, but I turn from Him and squander my wealth before finally realizing how much I need Him.  And I still see the youngest son in myself - I turn away from God and then come back to Him when I inevitably fall flat on my face.  But tonight I got to thinking - I am like the older brother.  In the parable, when the younger son is welcomed back by the father with celebrations and a feast, the oldest son hardens his heart.  He does not understand why the father welcomes the son back after he has gone away and become lost.  This is me - I get so frustrated because it just doesn't make sense to me that even when we are unfaithful that God remains faithful.   The younger brother in me falls short and comes face-to-face with my humanity, and then the older brother in me doesn't understand why the Father would welcome me back as His child.  I guess that is the beauty in the parable, that even when I turn away, nothing could EVER make me unworthy of being called a child of God.

The message of the parable, the sermon, and the meeting of the Tobacco Trail Church at a park bench was that you belong; that I belong.  And while I intellectually know that this is true, my heart longs to know it emotionally.  I desire to know and trust in my heart what I hear with my ears.  I yearn for Jesus to be the bench I go to when I need to be reminded that I belong and that I am a beloved daughter of God.

You belong here - come in close