Piece 3 - More Puzzling Pieces
"You can’t avoid suffering. The right affliction, however, can make your suffering more meaningful. It won’t tell you the answer, but it can deepen an unresolvable question; it won’t help you find yourself, but it might help you to realize that you’re irretrievably lost. A strong affliction is profound yet painful. It reminds you that the truth will set you free, but first it will hurt like hell."
Working at UNC Hospital as a chaplain this summer, not a day has gone by when I have been able to escape the inevitability of pain, suffering, and death. Instead of seeing celebrations, joys, and Easter Sundays, I am often called to Good Fridays, Holy Saturdays, and ash heaps. The deep mystery of this summer has been the holiness of these dark places; in the chaos and confusion of the wilderness, I have found God. And the God I have met is beyond anything I ever could have imagined or expected.
I found this quote I opened with from a post about skeptical mysticism one of my supervisors shared with my intern group. It embodies my own learning process so well; as a person who loves answers, structure, and results, it has been disconcerting to end up with more questions, afflictions, and theological works-in-progress. But this quote reminds me of the power of unresolvable questions - they draw me into deeper places of faith and trust in a mysterious God. My unanswerable questions have forced me to allow for a more expansive understanding of who God is and how He is at work within the world around me. I have been confronted with more paradoxes than I can count, and it is true, they have been so profound. Opening myself up to experience an understanding of God that is rough-around-the-edges, deeper than I can see, and different than I have ever known has set me free, but man it sure has hurt like hell.
Trying to explain my experience this summer and all that it means to me feels a bit like trying to take a picture while spinning in a chair. No matter how hard I try, taking a still frame is going to be blurry. But as I am slowing down my spinning, I am just beginning to see some of the gifts and growth that this summer has given me with more clarity.
I have already posted two short reflections that I wrote throughout my CPE experience; both were incomplete works-in-progress. But I am trying to invite people into more of my reflective processing, even in sharing what feels like mere pieces of a puzzle I am still putting together. Over the course of the next few weeks and months, I expect that I will continue to have posts about all God is teaching me about who He is and who I am in Him. And in light of that I say welcome, welcome in to my journey of putting this puzzle together, one piece at a time.
Working at UNC Hospital as a chaplain this summer, not a day has gone by when I have been able to escape the inevitability of pain, suffering, and death. Instead of seeing celebrations, joys, and Easter Sundays, I am often called to Good Fridays, Holy Saturdays, and ash heaps. The deep mystery of this summer has been the holiness of these dark places; in the chaos and confusion of the wilderness, I have found God. And the God I have met is beyond anything I ever could have imagined or expected.
I found this quote I opened with from a post about skeptical mysticism one of my supervisors shared with my intern group. It embodies my own learning process so well; as a person who loves answers, structure, and results, it has been disconcerting to end up with more questions, afflictions, and theological works-in-progress. But this quote reminds me of the power of unresolvable questions - they draw me into deeper places of faith and trust in a mysterious God. My unanswerable questions have forced me to allow for a more expansive understanding of who God is and how He is at work within the world around me. I have been confronted with more paradoxes than I can count, and it is true, they have been so profound. Opening myself up to experience an understanding of God that is rough-around-the-edges, deeper than I can see, and different than I have ever known has set me free, but man it sure has hurt like hell.
Trying to explain my experience this summer and all that it means to me feels a bit like trying to take a picture while spinning in a chair. No matter how hard I try, taking a still frame is going to be blurry. But as I am slowing down my spinning, I am just beginning to see some of the gifts and growth that this summer has given me with more clarity.
I have already posted two short reflections that I wrote throughout my CPE experience; both were incomplete works-in-progress. But I am trying to invite people into more of my reflective processing, even in sharing what feels like mere pieces of a puzzle I am still putting together. Over the course of the next few weeks and months, I expect that I will continue to have posts about all God is teaching me about who He is and who I am in Him. And in light of that I say welcome, welcome in to my journey of putting this puzzle together, one piece at a time.
I will look forward to see the developing picture. Thank you sharing your journey with all it's joys and also it's bumps and bruises.
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