A Glimpse
My second year of seminary is officially underway, and I'm still over here wondering how the heck it's already September. Doing CPE didn't leave me with a whole lot of relaxing free time, so summer vacation felt more like a continuation of the school year. The transition back in to life in Atlanta and starting back with classes has felt like a bit of a whirlwind, and I'm trying really hard to take it just one step at a time.
As an ultra-type-A, OCD, planning type, I am prone to get stressed about anything and sometimes just about everything. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I realized just how crippling my anxiety can be, and ever since then, I have been on this journey of learning to own and accept this part of myself. I really really wish that I could say this has been a wonderful, freeing, joyful journey towards letting go of worry and being less stressed. But alas, that is definitely not the case.
I have such a hard time opening up to people about my anxiety because I don't know how to explain this constant battle raging on inside my head. Take not knowing how to explain it, and add my own fear of being a burden on people, and the result is this battle staying internalized and me becoming increasingly overwhelmed by it. My anxiety comes in waves sometimes, can be unexpected, and always seems to build up quickly.
After 11 weeks of CPE at a level one trauma center with 40-80 hour work weeks and a quick transition back to school, I have been feeling SUPER overwhelmed and anxious. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to breathe through a straw, calmly walk through a haunted house, relax in a pit of sinking sand, or silently read a book at a major music concert. In short, it can feel pretty terrifying, stressful, and borderline impossible. And to make it even worse and harder, I have a hard time asking for help and telling people how I feel. I have had recurring dreams of being late, being fired or asked to leave jobs, family or friends having interventions, etc....all products and fabrications of my own fears and anxieties. Maybe one of the worst parts about all of this, is that I tend to self-isolate when I am feeling this way. So, I guess this blog post is my attempt at giving a little glimpse into what it feels like for me to live with my anxiety.
Anxiety sucks. I hate it. But one of my hopes, is that my story of fighting anxiety might help someone else know that they are not alone, that they are worth it, that every day is worth it, that hope is never absent. As my heart learns and owns my story I am reminded of these truths and they give me energy, strength, and joy. And day by day, the help to heal my heart.
As an ultra-type-A, OCD, planning type, I am prone to get stressed about anything and sometimes just about everything. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I realized just how crippling my anxiety can be, and ever since then, I have been on this journey of learning to own and accept this part of myself. I really really wish that I could say this has been a wonderful, freeing, joyful journey towards letting go of worry and being less stressed. But alas, that is definitely not the case.
I have such a hard time opening up to people about my anxiety because I don't know how to explain this constant battle raging on inside my head. Take not knowing how to explain it, and add my own fear of being a burden on people, and the result is this battle staying internalized and me becoming increasingly overwhelmed by it. My anxiety comes in waves sometimes, can be unexpected, and always seems to build up quickly.
After 11 weeks of CPE at a level one trauma center with 40-80 hour work weeks and a quick transition back to school, I have been feeling SUPER overwhelmed and anxious. Sometimes it feels like I am trying to breathe through a straw, calmly walk through a haunted house, relax in a pit of sinking sand, or silently read a book at a major music concert. In short, it can feel pretty terrifying, stressful, and borderline impossible. And to make it even worse and harder, I have a hard time asking for help and telling people how I feel. I have had recurring dreams of being late, being fired or asked to leave jobs, family or friends having interventions, etc....all products and fabrications of my own fears and anxieties. Maybe one of the worst parts about all of this, is that I tend to self-isolate when I am feeling this way. So, I guess this blog post is my attempt at giving a little glimpse into what it feels like for me to live with my anxiety.
Anxiety sucks. I hate it. But one of my hopes, is that my story of fighting anxiety might help someone else know that they are not alone, that they are worth it, that every day is worth it, that hope is never absent. As my heart learns and owns my story I am reminded of these truths and they give me energy, strength, and joy. And day by day, the help to heal my heart.
Comments
Post a Comment