Putting Down Roots
Being a senior pastor at only 25 is hard...I love my church and congregation, but sometimes the magnitude of this calling feels like too much to carry. Not only that, but I never really imagined myself being a solo pastor right out of Seminary. In fact, I think the words "I want to serve in the church, but I don't know if I ever want to be a senior pastor," came out of my mouth more than once. Just further proof that God has a sense of humor, and that you shouldn't say you "never" want to do something.
Even though I never saw myself being a senior pastor, I absolutely love my congregation. They are some of the sweetest, most caring, and supportive group of people I ever could have hoped to have. They love my, quirks and imperfections included, and they give me space to just be myself. And I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Even when I get stressed or frustrated, I still love them more than I can put into words.
I love them deeply, but still, some days I find myself wondering if I can really stick it out in ministry. I wonder if I can handle the stress, busyness, and emotional demands of being a pastor long-term. It seemed so crazy to hear the statistic about how many people drop out of ministry in their first 5 years when I was in seminary, but on particularly crazy days, suddenly it isn't sounding too surprising. If I'm being honest, there are days when I have genuinely thought I might end up becoming part of that statistic.
This is not a cry for help or an announcement that I am leaving ministry, it is just an honest post about the struggles that I am finding as a 20-something pastor in her first year of ministry. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is keeping me in ministry. Why do I stay even though it is so hard and stressful? Why do I continue showing up even though it can feel like I'm not accomplishing anything? Just like anything else, the answers to these questions are complex and multi-faceted.
One of the biggest reasons I stay is love - I've already said it, but I deeply love and value my congregation. Even though I hope to move back to NC one day, it is hard for me to imagine leaving the people at Wesley UMC. Beyond my hopes to return to NC one day, I am also a part of an itinerant church, which means, I go where I am sent. I am not promised the opportunity to stay at Wesley UMC forever - in face I am promised just the opposite - one day I will be appointed to a different church placement. So for now, I am committed to continuing to love my congregation to the best of my abilities. I am committed to continue showing up and walking alongside them as we discern together where God is leading us. This is a sometimes hard, but always holy journey.
The other big reason I stay is because, no matter how much I want to deny it sometimes, I believe that God has called me to this. And this is something I have to be reminded of on a weekly and even daily basis. I feel it in the way that even when I struggle to write a sermon some weeks, I end up being told by members of my congregation that my sermon was exactly what they needed to feel that week. I feel it when I get the honor and privilege to preside over communion and see people experience God's grace by meeting at the Table. I feel it when I visit members of my congregation in the hospital. I feel it when I get to perform my first baptism and experience anew the power of that sacrament. I feel it when somehow, God works in and through me, even in spite of me, to create holy spaces where people can encounter God's grace and love.
And I am grateful for these consistent and ongoing reminders that God has called me to this, because they are the things that sustain me when life gets stressful and overwhelming. These are the things I cling to when I am wondering if I am really cut out for life in ministry. I met with a spiritual director this morning to talk about some of the things I have been particularly stressed about lately. And as I talked and shared, he kept telling me, "what I keep hearing from you is positive, positive, positive." Which is to say, things are going well at my church - the people are happy, they are giving me encouragement and positive feedback. But still, I feel stressed. I feel overwhelmed and discouraged sometimes. I even feel like I am "failing," whatever that means.
Why? Why, when everything seems so positive at surface value, do I feel so stressed? Why does everything feel so daunting and overwhelming?
A lot of it comes down to personality - as a type-A, perfectionist who also struggles with an anxiety disorder, I know that some of this is just part of who I am. I have coping mechanisms to be sure, but I also know that some of these feelings just sort of come with the territory so to speak. But the other part that I have been coming to realize is, I don't really have any roots here yet. Even though I am in my 10th month of ministry, I still don't have many connections to the community here. Heck, when people ask where I'm from, I still say "Well, I'm from NC, but I live in Gainesville right now." I don't have roots here yet. And I guess what I'm coming to realize is how much I need them. Even though I am an introvert, I create deep, rich relationships with the people I love. I need to feel known and loved by people to feel connected to a place. That's why NC still holds such a big piece of my heart - it's where so many of my closest friends and family are.
I don't know if I'll be in Gainesville forever - I don't even know if I'll be in Florida forever. What I do know, is that while I'm here, I desperately need to put down some roots. I need to feel connected to the greater Gainesville community. I love Shane and I love my church, but I need more than that. I need people I can call to meet for coffee when I'm having a hard day. Shane and I need friendships outside of our churches with other people our age. We need roots. We need roots to grow down deeper as we come to love this place and the people that live here more and more.
The thought of putting down roots is exciting but also a little scary because we don't know how long we will be here. And maybe that's why I've been reluctant to really put down roots here, because I know that will just make it harder to leave one day. But roots don't just make it hard to leave a place, they also make it easier to stay. Because roots give you nourishment, love, and support. Roots allow you to connect to life-giving water. Roots allow you to be rooted and grounded. And most importantly, roots allow you to grow.
So, here's to putting down roots in Gainesville as Shane and I continue to grow together in life and ministry. Here's to finding those places of connection and community that will help to feed and nourish our souls. And here's to sticking it out and staying in ministry, even when it's hard, because this is what God has called me to and these are the people I am called to love.
Even though I never saw myself being a senior pastor, I absolutely love my congregation. They are some of the sweetest, most caring, and supportive group of people I ever could have hoped to have. They love my, quirks and imperfections included, and they give me space to just be myself. And I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Even when I get stressed or frustrated, I still love them more than I can put into words.
I love them deeply, but still, some days I find myself wondering if I can really stick it out in ministry. I wonder if I can handle the stress, busyness, and emotional demands of being a pastor long-term. It seemed so crazy to hear the statistic about how many people drop out of ministry in their first 5 years when I was in seminary, but on particularly crazy days, suddenly it isn't sounding too surprising. If I'm being honest, there are days when I have genuinely thought I might end up becoming part of that statistic.
This is not a cry for help or an announcement that I am leaving ministry, it is just an honest post about the struggles that I am finding as a 20-something pastor in her first year of ministry. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is keeping me in ministry. Why do I stay even though it is so hard and stressful? Why do I continue showing up even though it can feel like I'm not accomplishing anything? Just like anything else, the answers to these questions are complex and multi-faceted.
One of the biggest reasons I stay is love - I've already said it, but I deeply love and value my congregation. Even though I hope to move back to NC one day, it is hard for me to imagine leaving the people at Wesley UMC. Beyond my hopes to return to NC one day, I am also a part of an itinerant church, which means, I go where I am sent. I am not promised the opportunity to stay at Wesley UMC forever - in face I am promised just the opposite - one day I will be appointed to a different church placement. So for now, I am committed to continuing to love my congregation to the best of my abilities. I am committed to continue showing up and walking alongside them as we discern together where God is leading us. This is a sometimes hard, but always holy journey.
The other big reason I stay is because, no matter how much I want to deny it sometimes, I believe that God has called me to this. And this is something I have to be reminded of on a weekly and even daily basis. I feel it in the way that even when I struggle to write a sermon some weeks, I end up being told by members of my congregation that my sermon was exactly what they needed to feel that week. I feel it when I get the honor and privilege to preside over communion and see people experience God's grace by meeting at the Table. I feel it when I visit members of my congregation in the hospital. I feel it when I get to perform my first baptism and experience anew the power of that sacrament. I feel it when somehow, God works in and through me, even in spite of me, to create holy spaces where people can encounter God's grace and love.
And I am grateful for these consistent and ongoing reminders that God has called me to this, because they are the things that sustain me when life gets stressful and overwhelming. These are the things I cling to when I am wondering if I am really cut out for life in ministry. I met with a spiritual director this morning to talk about some of the things I have been particularly stressed about lately. And as I talked and shared, he kept telling me, "what I keep hearing from you is positive, positive, positive." Which is to say, things are going well at my church - the people are happy, they are giving me encouragement and positive feedback. But still, I feel stressed. I feel overwhelmed and discouraged sometimes. I even feel like I am "failing," whatever that means.
Why? Why, when everything seems so positive at surface value, do I feel so stressed? Why does everything feel so daunting and overwhelming?
A lot of it comes down to personality - as a type-A, perfectionist who also struggles with an anxiety disorder, I know that some of this is just part of who I am. I have coping mechanisms to be sure, but I also know that some of these feelings just sort of come with the territory so to speak. But the other part that I have been coming to realize is, I don't really have any roots here yet. Even though I am in my 10th month of ministry, I still don't have many connections to the community here. Heck, when people ask where I'm from, I still say "Well, I'm from NC, but I live in Gainesville right now." I don't have roots here yet. And I guess what I'm coming to realize is how much I need them. Even though I am an introvert, I create deep, rich relationships with the people I love. I need to feel known and loved by people to feel connected to a place. That's why NC still holds such a big piece of my heart - it's where so many of my closest friends and family are.
I don't know if I'll be in Gainesville forever - I don't even know if I'll be in Florida forever. What I do know, is that while I'm here, I desperately need to put down some roots. I need to feel connected to the greater Gainesville community. I love Shane and I love my church, but I need more than that. I need people I can call to meet for coffee when I'm having a hard day. Shane and I need friendships outside of our churches with other people our age. We need roots. We need roots to grow down deeper as we come to love this place and the people that live here more and more.
The thought of putting down roots is exciting but also a little scary because we don't know how long we will be here. And maybe that's why I've been reluctant to really put down roots here, because I know that will just make it harder to leave one day. But roots don't just make it hard to leave a place, they also make it easier to stay. Because roots give you nourishment, love, and support. Roots allow you to connect to life-giving water. Roots allow you to be rooted and grounded. And most importantly, roots allow you to grow.
So, here's to putting down roots in Gainesville as Shane and I continue to grow together in life and ministry. Here's to finding those places of connection and community that will help to feed and nourish our souls. And here's to sticking it out and staying in ministry, even when it's hard, because this is what God has called me to and these are the people I am called to love.
Beautiful! You are not alone. I remember and relive many of these same feelings and emotions in our first year in Kentucky whole Gil was serving a church and then again when we moved to Englewood. I’ll be praying many new relationships and friendships in this second year! I can’t wait for more opportunities to get to know you!
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