Bringing Fears into the Light
Squeezing an April post in just before the end of the month. April has felt like both a ridiculously long and an insanely short month. Maybe that is partially because of all the busyness of Holy Week and Easter. I think it is probably that coupled with the realities and challenges that come with living life day to day.
Looking back over April, I feel like I have been a lot more stressed and overwhelmed by all of the pressures of work and life. Being a solo pastor of an aging congregation is HARD. I absolutely love my congregation from the bottom of my heart; I am unbelievably grateful to be their pastor. But being their pastor is also hard and overwhelming sometimes. We are in a changing cultural landscape and we are just one of the countless churches experiencing decline. And here's the thing - when there are problems with decline, people look to the pastor to have answers. But here's the other thing - I don't have them.
The church no longer functions in the same way it used to - people don't automatically just come to church to seek out membership. The popular mentality of "build it and they will come" quite honestly doesn't work anymore. That is a hard reality to come to terms with, especially in light of the fact that we don't have a simple notion of what to do instead. There is no magic, one size fits all solution to church revitalization and growth. The future of the church will involve a willingness to learn and listen as we do things differently.
And I guess what I've been finding is that it is really hard to live in this space. I am the type of person who likes to have answers. When people have problems, I want to be able to offer solutions to help fix the problems. So, because I am in a season where I don't have answers or solutions to solve our problem of decline, I end up being stressed out constantly. I know that I shouldn't, but I put an unreasonable amount of pressure on myself, because I feel like as the pastor of a church, I should be the one with answers.
My husband probably knows this all too well, but April has not been a good month for me when it comes to coping with these challenges. More times than I would like, I have found myself crying and wondering if I am a complete failure as a pastor. I am so afraid that my inexperience or learning process will be the reason a church closes. When I realized that root sitting at the bottom of a lot of my fears, it almost took my breath away. Even as I type it now, it feels like a punch in the gut to think about. But, as hard as it is to speak this fear aloud, as hard as it is to share with others, it is even harder to keep it bottled up and kept in the dark.
I still don't have answers. I don't know the "right" way to lead. I worry that I am going to fail to lead the church where I am serving well. I don't have a nice tidy way to solve these fears, but I am bringing them into the light, because if nothing else, if anyone else has them too they will know they are not alone.
Looking back over April, I feel like I have been a lot more stressed and overwhelmed by all of the pressures of work and life. Being a solo pastor of an aging congregation is HARD. I absolutely love my congregation from the bottom of my heart; I am unbelievably grateful to be their pastor. But being their pastor is also hard and overwhelming sometimes. We are in a changing cultural landscape and we are just one of the countless churches experiencing decline. And here's the thing - when there are problems with decline, people look to the pastor to have answers. But here's the other thing - I don't have them.
The church no longer functions in the same way it used to - people don't automatically just come to church to seek out membership. The popular mentality of "build it and they will come" quite honestly doesn't work anymore. That is a hard reality to come to terms with, especially in light of the fact that we don't have a simple notion of what to do instead. There is no magic, one size fits all solution to church revitalization and growth. The future of the church will involve a willingness to learn and listen as we do things differently.
And I guess what I've been finding is that it is really hard to live in this space. I am the type of person who likes to have answers. When people have problems, I want to be able to offer solutions to help fix the problems. So, because I am in a season where I don't have answers or solutions to solve our problem of decline, I end up being stressed out constantly. I know that I shouldn't, but I put an unreasonable amount of pressure on myself, because I feel like as the pastor of a church, I should be the one with answers.
My husband probably knows this all too well, but April has not been a good month for me when it comes to coping with these challenges. More times than I would like, I have found myself crying and wondering if I am a complete failure as a pastor. I am so afraid that my inexperience or learning process will be the reason a church closes. When I realized that root sitting at the bottom of a lot of my fears, it almost took my breath away. Even as I type it now, it feels like a punch in the gut to think about. But, as hard as it is to speak this fear aloud, as hard as it is to share with others, it is even harder to keep it bottled up and kept in the dark.
I still don't have answers. I don't know the "right" way to lead. I worry that I am going to fail to lead the church where I am serving well. I don't have a nice tidy way to solve these fears, but I am bringing them into the light, because if nothing else, if anyone else has them too they will know they are not alone.
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