Assurance, BOOM Interviews, and being Called
Life is busy. Since first-year, everyone has been saying that you can map the seminary experience onto the story of Christ. First-year is like the crucifixion, second-year is being in the tomb, and third-year is like the resurrection. And let me tell you, basically as soon as you take your first OT exam, you are counting down the months until you make it to third-year. Things are supposed to be easier, classes are supposed to be more fun, and you are supposed to be less stressed. But as my friends and I commonly say, "I think we did it wrong."
Maybe it was the fact that I took Systematic Theology in the fall.
Maybe it was finishing and turning in the final variation of my commissioning paperwork to the Board of Ordained Ministry right at the start of October.
Maybe it was getting married right in the middle of midterms, literally leaving to head to Asheville directly after our History of Methodism midterm.
Maybe it was deciding to take 15 hours in my final semester when I technically only needed 9.
Maybe it was having my BOOM interview in the middle of the third week of my final semester of seminary, in the midst of having a cold, and being stressed about everything coming up.
Maybe it was one of these things, but in all reality, I think it was the fact that all of these things happened in a mere matter of months. Like I said, life is busy - my schedule stays full and my to-do lists remain long. Don't get me wrong, life is good, and the busyness that fills my day-to-day schedule is life-giving and exciting. It is just a lot - sometimes it is overwhelming and my stress levels stay pretty high.
This past week I had my BOOM interview about being commissioned as a provisional elder at annual conference this June. To say I was nervous would be a HUGE understatement - and it wasn't really because I felt unprepared or clueless. I just had no idea what to expect, and the fact that months of writing, studying, reading, and discerning seemed like they were all coming down to one four-hour interview was terrifying. And the underside of that fear was a doubt about my call - the whole reason I am in this candidacy and commissioning process is because I feel like God has called me to work in the church. So, as my interview drew closer, I started to conflate the outcome of my interview with whether or not I am actually called to this. That is a dangerous, and unfair assumption to make, and it was doing nothing but stressing me out, scaring me, and making it impossible for me to focus on anything.
Perhaps the hidden gift in all this, is that things were crazy enough that I couldn't keep it to myself. As hard as it was, I reached out to the classmates in the class meeting I am a part of this semester. Our group follows the model of early Wesleyan Methodism, and each week we talk about the question "how does your soul prosper?" This group has been everything I didn't realize just how much I needed, and it has finally given me the community of vulnerability, support, and encouragement that I have longed for in seminary.
Asking for prayer for yourself seems like it should be simple, but it can be scary. This is certainly how I felt leading up to my BOOM interview - I wanted prayer - I needed it even. But I knew that asking for it would mean telling whole groups of people that I was interviewing. It would mean that if I got continued or deferred, I would have to come back and tell those same people that news.
I am unbelievably grateful for the reality that God knows what we need even before we ask him - and God is bigger than all my fears and anxieties. Leading up to my interview, I reached out to my history of Methodism professor, Dr. Watson, and basically just shared a little bit about how I was feeling overwhelmed about it. The main reason I asked for advice is because he makes a point to share how helping to pastor people who are pursuing becoming pastors is a central part of his call. I am usually one to just internalize, try to journal and run my stress away, something was different and I just needed someone to talk to. And to make a long story short, making that decision was a tremendous blessing.
On Tuesday's, my one and only class is, "The Holiness Movement in American Methodism." This class is unique, and always starts with prayer and leaving space to listen for the Holy Spirit to speak to us. Dr. Watson asked in my meeting with him if the class could pray for me and my BOOM interviews, and then he excitedly asked, "can we lay hands on you??"
In what I can only explain as a step of faith, I said yes, and I will never forget the humbling gift of having your whole class and professor surround you with prayers, lay hands on you, and ask the Lord to give you a special sense of peace. I was still nervous, but even in the midst of that, I had a deep sense of peace and assurance that my BOOM interview was an opportunity to be an exercise of trust.
The coolest part, that is just covered with fingerprints of the Holy Spirit at work, is the way that the prayers specifically for peace were echoed by every person who lifted prayers on Wednesday. My interview time was set at 8:00 am on Wednesday the 25th, and I was one of 5 interviewing that morning. When we were all in the nesting area, right before each of us got brought back for our small and large group interviews, we joined in a circle and prayed for that candidate. It made me smile each time it happened because two different people prayed for me, and I did not say anything about specific prayer requests. But both times, they prayed that a special sense of peace would wash over me and fill my heart.
The whole day ended up being a beautiful display of grace, the power of prayer, and the strength that comes from community. And, in case you were wondering, the exciting news is that I was approved by the Board of Ordained Ministry to be commissioned as a provisional elder at the Florida Annual Conference in June! The best part of being in the Florida conference is that since AC is in Buena Vista, just like winning the SuperBowl, now I can say with joy, "I'm going to Disney!" Praise God for assurance, prayers, and this mysterious and exciting adventure of being called!
Maybe it was the fact that I took Systematic Theology in the fall.
Maybe it was finishing and turning in the final variation of my commissioning paperwork to the Board of Ordained Ministry right at the start of October.
Maybe it was getting married right in the middle of midterms, literally leaving to head to Asheville directly after our History of Methodism midterm.
Maybe it was deciding to take 15 hours in my final semester when I technically only needed 9.
Maybe it was having my BOOM interview in the middle of the third week of my final semester of seminary, in the midst of having a cold, and being stressed about everything coming up.
Maybe it was one of these things, but in all reality, I think it was the fact that all of these things happened in a mere matter of months. Like I said, life is busy - my schedule stays full and my to-do lists remain long. Don't get me wrong, life is good, and the busyness that fills my day-to-day schedule is life-giving and exciting. It is just a lot - sometimes it is overwhelming and my stress levels stay pretty high.
This past week I had my BOOM interview about being commissioned as a provisional elder at annual conference this June. To say I was nervous would be a HUGE understatement - and it wasn't really because I felt unprepared or clueless. I just had no idea what to expect, and the fact that months of writing, studying, reading, and discerning seemed like they were all coming down to one four-hour interview was terrifying. And the underside of that fear was a doubt about my call - the whole reason I am in this candidacy and commissioning process is because I feel like God has called me to work in the church. So, as my interview drew closer, I started to conflate the outcome of my interview with whether or not I am actually called to this. That is a dangerous, and unfair assumption to make, and it was doing nothing but stressing me out, scaring me, and making it impossible for me to focus on anything.
Perhaps the hidden gift in all this, is that things were crazy enough that I couldn't keep it to myself. As hard as it was, I reached out to the classmates in the class meeting I am a part of this semester. Our group follows the model of early Wesleyan Methodism, and each week we talk about the question "how does your soul prosper?" This group has been everything I didn't realize just how much I needed, and it has finally given me the community of vulnerability, support, and encouragement that I have longed for in seminary.
Asking for prayer for yourself seems like it should be simple, but it can be scary. This is certainly how I felt leading up to my BOOM interview - I wanted prayer - I needed it even. But I knew that asking for it would mean telling whole groups of people that I was interviewing. It would mean that if I got continued or deferred, I would have to come back and tell those same people that news.
I am unbelievably grateful for the reality that God knows what we need even before we ask him - and God is bigger than all my fears and anxieties. Leading up to my interview, I reached out to my history of Methodism professor, Dr. Watson, and basically just shared a little bit about how I was feeling overwhelmed about it. The main reason I asked for advice is because he makes a point to share how helping to pastor people who are pursuing becoming pastors is a central part of his call. I am usually one to just internalize, try to journal and run my stress away, something was different and I just needed someone to talk to. And to make a long story short, making that decision was a tremendous blessing.
On Tuesday's, my one and only class is, "The Holiness Movement in American Methodism." This class is unique, and always starts with prayer and leaving space to listen for the Holy Spirit to speak to us. Dr. Watson asked in my meeting with him if the class could pray for me and my BOOM interviews, and then he excitedly asked, "can we lay hands on you??"
In what I can only explain as a step of faith, I said yes, and I will never forget the humbling gift of having your whole class and professor surround you with prayers, lay hands on you, and ask the Lord to give you a special sense of peace. I was still nervous, but even in the midst of that, I had a deep sense of peace and assurance that my BOOM interview was an opportunity to be an exercise of trust.
The coolest part, that is just covered with fingerprints of the Holy Spirit at work, is the way that the prayers specifically for peace were echoed by every person who lifted prayers on Wednesday. My interview time was set at 8:00 am on Wednesday the 25th, and I was one of 5 interviewing that morning. When we were all in the nesting area, right before each of us got brought back for our small and large group interviews, we joined in a circle and prayed for that candidate. It made me smile each time it happened because two different people prayed for me, and I did not say anything about specific prayer requests. But both times, they prayed that a special sense of peace would wash over me and fill my heart.
The whole day ended up being a beautiful display of grace, the power of prayer, and the strength that comes from community. And, in case you were wondering, the exciting news is that I was approved by the Board of Ordained Ministry to be commissioned as a provisional elder at the Florida Annual Conference in June! The best part of being in the Florida conference is that since AC is in Buena Vista, just like winning the SuperBowl, now I can say with joy, "I'm going to Disney!" Praise God for assurance, prayers, and this mysterious and exciting adventure of being called!
I love you! You will be a wonderful pastor, and you are an amazing woman.
ReplyDelete